Why Compassion?

Hey y'all, welcome to the first episode of Fostering Compassion, the podcast that bridges the gap between "sending thoughts and prayers" to actually providing the support that people need. I'm Tibby Starkes, your radically compassionate podcast host, and I'm thrilled to be here talking to you about compassion, how to foster it, and how we can leverage it to change our communities and the world. On today's premiere episode, I thought we'd start at the very beginning.

According to the natural history of compassion, the earliest known evidence of compassionate behavior dates back... I'm kidding. The truth is, I started wondering about compassion while I was advocating for youth in foster care. What I saw was really hard to understand. And I wondered, how could this be happening in every city and county in America with what seemed to be such apathy? We all have a great capacity for compassion, and many of us are just looking for a way to give back.

So I thought we'd start this episode with the basics, like what is compassion? The simplest explanation that I found was "empathy plus action equals compassion." It's kinda cute, easy to remember, right? And because compassion goes beyond empathy, it also takes a responsive action. So, a textbook definition of this is the sympathetic consciousness of others to stress and a desire to alleviate it.

So that's the key, alleviation. So now that we have a working definition, I also wanna bring up that compassion is not something that we're either born with or not. It's a skill, and it can be practiced and strengthened. Now, compassion skills enable us to understand, empathize, and respond to the suffering of others in a caring and supportive way. Empathy is certainly a compassion skill, but there's plenty more, such as active listening and having a non-judgmental attitude. And this includes yourself, too, y'all.

Yes, self-compassion matters too. Having self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you offer to others and being forgiving of your own shortcomings. Compassion skills like these are essential for fostering positive relationships providing emotional support, and contributing to a more compassionate and empathetic society. Which I think is the goal here.

I happen to think it's more important than ever. I don't know if you've heard about this, but there is an epidemic of loneliness in this country. In May of this year, 2023, the Surgeon General deemed loneliness an actual public health crisis. Now, many of us already know this. We've been struggling, and I wanna remind everybody that you can call or text 988 for immediate support.

But listen, even before COVID-19, approximately half of US adults, according to the Surgeon General, reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness. They say disconnection fundamentally affects our mental, physical, and societal health. In fact, loneliness and isolation increase the risk for individuals to develop mental health challenges, and lacking connection can increase the risk of premature death to levels comparable to smoking daily.

Just sit with that for a second. The report also talked about the physical health consequences of insufficient connection, and it says 29% increase in the risk of heart disease, a 32% increase in the risk of stroke, a 50% increase in the risk of developing dementia for older adults, and an increase of premature death by more than 60%. This wild, all because what?

We're not getting enough connection. We don't have, you know, we're not reaching out to our friends. Back in April, the Surgeon General wrote an opinion piece in The New York Times called, We Have Become a Lonely Nation. It's Time to Fix That. In the article, he said evidence shows that connection is linked to better heart health, brain health, and immunity. He suggested that it could be spending 15 minutes a day reaching out to people we care about, introducing ourselves to our neighbors and checking on co-workers who we may think are having a hard time, and sitting down with people of different views to get to know and understand them. Seeking opportunities to serve others, recognizing that helping people is one of the most powerful anecdotes to loneliness. And he makes a really excellent point because compassion actually helps sustain us. I found over and over again in my research for this show that compassion generates positive emotions. I found it in books, I found it in this 2018 NIH study called Compassion Does Not Fatigue by Dr. Tricia Dowling, and she writes that compassion generates positive emotions and counteracts the negative effects of empathy elicited by experiencing the suffering of others.


Aha, this is interesting. And, she goes on to explain that when we feel compassion towards others, we activate the brain areas linked to reward processing that are full of receptors for oxytocin and other chemicals that are crucial for attachment and bonding. So she concludes that compassion does not fatigue and that it is neurologically rejuvenating. I think this is pretty exciting because all we have to do is be nice, right?

Hopefully, by now, I've convinced you that compassion is worth your time, and I'm assuming that I have because you're still listening. So where do we start? Well, I always like to say, I don't know what I don't know. So let's start with awareness. Awareness and understanding of those around us. And hopefully, we're doing that by tuning in every week and talking about what's going on in our world, sharing each other's stories, and
practicing compassion together. 

But I do wanna take a minute to go back. Now, earlier, I mentioned self-compassion, and I think this is really important. In fact, I think this might even be where you wanna start. And I say that because in this society, we value productivity, we value achievement, but to what end, okay?

And I do think that it's gotten a bit out of hand. Now, this is not saying that we should just chill all day, although, you know, what's wrong with that? Other than the fact that you know, we live in a capitalistic society, but that's a conversation we will have on another day. Tune back in. Now, we can't fix the world today, y'all, but we can start with ourselves. And so, let's start with self-compassion. And one really simple anecdote that I found super simple and yet profound is you are a human being, not a human doing. And it sounds silly, and that's why I remembered it, but I love it because it's, again, simple and true. So I just offer that to you. Sounds simple, but I know that in our society, it can be really difficult to feel like we're enough, right? And so if you can start retraining your mind and reminding yourself that you are not a human doing. And then you can start to extend that same grace to those around you, right? 

Now, another really important one that we've kind of already touched on is relaxing judgments about yourself and others, right? Self-compassion. But what we're trying to do here is keep in mind that we are all doing our best, and that can be really hard to accept, right? Especially when people are doing things that we really feel are hurtful or wrong. But I challenge you as I challenge myself. I won't ask you to do anything that I'm not already doing. But if you can challenge yourself, we are all doing our best here. Everything is not right, wrong, good, bad, black, white, right? 

Okay, so another skill we can all practice is listening. Like really generously listening. Now, what does that mean? I actually took a listening class in undergrad, which I think...still, to a lot of people, sounds a little bit crazy, but we all took speech. Oh, well, the good news is you don't actually have to go back to college to learn to listen, right? You have two ears and one mouth, as the saying goes. But there are things you can practice to improve your listening skills, including flipping over your phone or just whatever your distraction is. Try to avoid it. So genuinely giving the speaker, the friend, a family member, whoever's in front of you, your full undivided attention. You might think that you're being smooth by checking that text that just came through on your Apple watch, and they won't really notice, but just be conscious of the unconscious messages that you're sending with your body language, with your eye contact, all of these things. We are naturally engaged. We naturally pick up on these things in other people. So even if your partner, the person that is speaking to, doesn't call you out for checking your phone or your watch, be cognizant that your body language is sending a message and you want to be present. You want that person to feel fully heard. 

But you also don't have to feel like you have to fix everything for the person in front of you, right? And I know that this can be very difficult. I feel this all the time. I can also bet we've all been in a situation where we just wanted to be listened to, and the person that we were speaking to was trying to give us a solution to our problems that we weren't looking for, right? So just try to keep that in perspective. Sometimes it is just enough just to listen. So be there, listen fully, eliminate distractions, and, you know, do whatever you can to remind yourself to keep your mouth shut. 

And ultimately, let's lead by example. Compassion is contagious. Think of it as contagious. If you want to help cultivate compassion in others, then we can live it in our own lives, right? So I wanna just thank you all for coming today and listening and being invested in your communities in a compassionate way. I wanna remind you that compassion is empathy plus action. And I invite you to practice those compassion skills and- remember, as you're out there dealing with each other, that there is a loneliness epidemic. I think compassion is the solution y'all, to improve yourself and to improve your relationships and then ultimately your communities and the world, and hopefully, we get a nice ripple effect, right? So start with self-compassion. Like we said, we start with ourselves, we try to heal ourselves, and then we can extend to others.

And again, if you or someone that you care about is struggling, you can call or text 988. You can also call 1-800-662-HELP or 4357 to get a referral to local treatment centers if you're struggling with mental health or substance abuse. Part of what's going on in our country right now is this opioid epidemic. So it's something that we can all do a little bit better at being conscious of being there for the people in our community who are struggling. 

And finally, before we sign off, I just wanna let y'all know that we have some really interesting programming coming up. Next month, I'm hoping to do a recap on National Homeless Youth Awareness Month. It's an issue that I find really important and something that we definitely need to grow awareness of in our country. It's definitely something that y'all could get involved in if it's something that is on your heart. So please tune in, and we'll talk about it.

Also, December 10th marks the 75th anniversary of one of the world's most groundbreaking global pledges, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. So I want to talk about it. And then January is Poverty Awareness Month, so these are just some things to keep in mind. I invite you to subscribe to the show so that you can be notified as soon as we drop our next episode, which will be every week on Tuesday. But also follow us on social media.

@Fostering CompassionPod on Instagram. You can also find the show at fosteringcompassionpod.com, or you can get in touch with me directly at tibby@fosteringcompassionpod.com. And I'd actually love to hear from you if you have suggestions for the show, topics, if you wanna be interviewed on the show. Yeah, anything, feedback is welcome. Reviews are welcome and appreciated. 

So don't be shy, reach out. That's what we're doing here. We're creating a community of compassionate people working together. So I'd love to hear from you guys. I'd love to talk to you. I'd love to invite you on the show. So follow me, get involved, and let's do this thing together.